Wordless Wednesday

Working out is hard to do....

When I wrote that title I was thinking about that Neil Sedaka song "Breaking up is hard to do". But seriously, it really is. The worst part is the lack of instant results. I am so prone to seeing the results of my hard work immediately that I am disappointed when I still see the "spare tire" resting around my waist.

I started doing the Jillian Michael's 30 day shred and it is not a joke and not for those of you who do not want to push yourselves. She will kick your ass. At least I think it's hard but then again, I am out of shape! It's has three different intensity levels and at this point I cannot ever imagine making it to level three! It is a twenty minute long workout consisting of 3 cycles. 3 minutes of strength training, 2 minutes of cardio and 1 minute of abs. I know it sounds easy but it is not! It's circuit training which means you don't stop. You go for a solid twenty minutes (if you can). I did the workouts and Monday and Tuesday and then again today. I couldn't on Wednesday and Thursday because I was sick. Friday I was just lazy. But I got myself re-motivated today and was pleased to see that the workout was already a bit easier than the first time I did it. I almost made it the entire way through without taking a minute to catch my breath!

On top of that I am eating better. Cutting out processed foods and sticking to basic healthy choices. Also, I am slowly fazing out dairy. Starting with milk. I mean seriously, what other species do you know that A. drinks milk into adulthood and B. drinks the milk of another species?! It just doesn't make sense when you think about.

Hopefully, I can get my body toned again. That would be ideal.

I find myself thinking about my Mom a lot lately. Feeling guilty about not spending enough time with her when she was alive and other things. The intense feeling of sadness just creeps up unexpectedly. It's usually at the most random times. I just want to break down into sobs but I don't. I just try to think of something else or busy myself. I don't know what to do about it. People say time will make it better but I just don't know that is true. I feel like maybe I haven't grieved appropriately? If there is an appropriate way? Maybe I should get a book about loss. I just don't know who to talk to about it and to be honest I am a strangely private person, emotionally. I don't like to express my feelings to people even when the feelings are positive. So I don't think I even could talk to someone about it.

A Goodbye To A Dear Friend (written by Lynn Wiley. My Mom's best childhood friend.)

Friday, September 18, 2009 at 7:01pm

I have witnessed the final chapter in my dear friend, Louann's life unfold over the
past couple of months, and sorely need to vent my breaking heart. While our long
friendship, ended only by her youthful passing, has brought me to tears many times
these past few weeks, nothing has touched my heart more profoundly as the
devotion, self-sacrifice, steadfast love and total commitment to her that her
family's core essence embraced. Abundantly blessed (despite physical affliction),
she was the recipient of a love so deep and so wide that it held no boundaries.
An indescribable love, that could only be commanded by a virtuous human being.
In Jim, she found her soul mate, a spouse who embodied God's mandate to love
his wife, even as Christ loved the church. Through Louann's exemplary actions as
a Christian daughter, compassionately caring for her elderly mother, was laid the
foundational framework for the very reverence, admiration, commitment and love
we've seen her own daughters lavish upon her these past few weeks. It is almost
unfathomable for us to even imagine that she could ever possibly been loved
more. Mortal in our limitations, we could not be more wrong. Even in our knowing
that she is, indeed, loved more & happy beyond our comprehension, we are left
here, still holding unto this enormous mass of love we have for her, and not
knowing what to do with it. We are just not ready to give it to someone else, because
it is for Louann, and Louann alone. Over time, as we journey through the grieving
process, we will give it up though. albeit just a little bit at a time, and never all of
it, but always keeping just enough to fill that space in our hearts that will always
be reserved for Louann, and for Louann alone.

(My Dad's comment back)
I just saw the letter you posted to Lou. It was indeed a beautiful tribute to a beautiful lady. You could feel the passion that it was written with. For me, Lou's passing is bittersweet. My "Hero" is finally at peace. She taught me so much, especially after she was diagnosed with MS. She showed me what faith, hope and especially what love truly was. When we first met, we were attracted to each other physically and emotionally. Then, after we were married, our love grew and we became one. Later, after the MS became part of her life, our love changed. It, the MS, challenged our love. For me, there was this beautiful woman who years earlier said "for better or worse". I also remember saying those very same words. Lynn, I prayed to our Lord many times and asked that He would pass that MS to me instead. She suffered so much, yet through that suffering, she remained strong. I was truly amazed. It was only after years of CONSTANT pain and the inability to move,that she slowly was losing her will to fight. That was so hard for me to watch and be able to do nothing physically. Day by day, things kept getting worse. Then, she had trouble swallowing. When she would take a drink, there were times she would choke. She fought hard! She finally came to a moment in her life that she was no longer in control. Lynn, that moment was the hardest moment in my life. She turned to look at me, stared into my eyes and softly said" it's time for me to go home". I will never forget those words. It felt as if part of me was dying. She taught me what real love is. Our love was now complete. I learned to love her absolutely and completely. There is no room for any other. I gave her all. The Lord answered my pray on Sept. 17, 2009, at 7:10 and healed her as he called her home to be with Him. I will always love her. Jim

I knew this day would come. I wondered several times what it would be like and how I would feel. I don't know how I feel. I want to take comfort in the fact that she will be in heaven but some weird part of me is scared that it might not be true. I am also scared for her. What is it gonna feel like? What will it be like? A family friend wrote this to my sister: "I am so sorry to hear that Michelle for your sake and your families! I hope these days will be filled with peace, closeness and even joy that comes from God. I picture God, in heaven, eagerly waiting for your mom to come join him for a great walk and talk together. What a joy for her to be whole and well again. I will be praying for all of you! What a hard time for you."
I hope it's true.

Where have I been

Not sure. I think trapped somewhere between my full-time job as asst. manager, wife and mother! Pretty sure I am tired ALL of the time. Whatever, I've given up on sleep. I should be sleeping now but of course, I cannot. Tonight will be the night that Will sleeps soundly and mommy will toss and turn. It's always something.
I've become very aware that we will never be financially "ahead". It's like every week I think, "This will be the week that we have extra spending money." And then BAM!, the car breaks or some other bill I forgot about surfaces in the mailbox. How is it that I made this budget on a spreadsheet and it says we have all this extra money every month but I can never find it?? It could be partially because of my addiction to buying adorable clothing for my son. I'm not fully ready to admit that though!

shots, work and laundry

So Will had his 2 month check-up on Thursday. I knew he'd be getting shots and I wasn't terribly concerned. I figured he'd cry and life would move on. I mean I'm not heartless I just realize that it's a necessity of life. He had a chest x-ray a week or so ago and it was hard to watch but I knew he was actually ok and I knew they needed to find out what was wrong so I wasn't really upset about it. Part of the reason I am this way is because I was a very sick child. I spent most of my childhood at Children's hospital so I know about needles and uncomfortable tests. I was also placed into a coma and I found out when I was older that they weren't sure if I would ever wake up out of that coma but they had to do it so I would get better. I, obviously, did wake up a week later. I had to learn to walk, skip, jump, etc. again. It was quite the experience... but enough about that. So he got one oral vaccination and three other shots. I thought they would give them all at once but no such luck. Two shots in on thigh and one in the other. He cried so hard I thought I would lose it. Luckily, Jeff was there, too. My heart just broke for him. He stopped crying not long after and seemed to be doing well. Then at about 7pm he just lost it. He screamed for almost 45 min. straight. I held him every different way but I just couldn't comfort him. His leg was red and swollen. The Tylenol wasn't working. I think he actually just cried himself into exhaustion. I don't really think it was me that comforted him. He woke up today much better but still crabby and refusing to take more that a 30 minute nap here and there today.
I talked to my boss today about when I'd be back at work. It's such a strange thing. I want to go back to work because I need to get out but at the same time I don't wanna leave Will. 32 days until I am offically back:( I train for two days prior. I have a new computer system to learn. I am scared. I was so good at the old system and now everyone has a leg up on me. They've all been on the new system for 3 months! I am the asst. and I'm gonna look like a total ass asking my employees what to do. Plus, there are some employees who will relish my ignorance and that makes me angry.
I am so sick of doing laundry and washing/steralizing bottles! I means seriously, it's like it never ends. It's only gonna be harder when I'm back at work. I'll be coming home only to do more work. That's what I mean about being torn about going back. Part of me wants to something besides laundry, but, on the other hand, I realize I will just have to do both:(