Ten things about me.....

So Jessie mentioned me in one of her blogs and I am supposed to write ten things about myself. So here goes.....

1. I think about my Mom every single day. If I am not having a dream about her where she is still alive, then I am just consumed with all the "what if's". I miss her so much and even the littlest thing can trigger a memory of her. It's bittersweet thing, sometimes I enjoy the memory and other times it make me intensely sad.

2. I love listening to audiobooks. I listen to and from work and it fills the time perfectly. The narrators are always so good at bringing the story to life. I do love to read, but I am often so busy that it is hard. So audiobooks help me with that.

3. I am currently trying to change my diet and exercise habits. I went running last night. GROSS! It is hard but the older I get the more jiggly I get in weird places! I also stopped drinking milk and eating tons of other delicious foods that I love:/ If I do not make an effort now then I will be old and saggy in no time!

4. I shave pretty much all the hair on my body. Sorry if that is too graphic;) I just really hate hair. It does not feel feminine to me. And yes, this includes my arm hair!

5. I really think about having another baby. But it is just not the right time for us. Financially, career wise, etc. I do not want to wait too long but at the same time if we tried right now it would be a disaster! I would probably be a terrible mother because I would be so stressed about money!

6. I brush my teeth in the shower. I know it is weird but I prefer it. I can be as messy as I want and I feel like the spray from the showerhead helps get the crap off:)

7. I just got into watching "Deadliest Catch" with my husband this season and now my favorite captain (the Cornelia Marie's captain) has died! I watched the episode with his death the other day and it was heartbreaking. I think I am now done watching it:/

8. I was in a coma for one week when I was a child. I had terrible asthma for most of my childhood and spend a lot of time in the hospital. At one point, I was so ill that the doctors suggested that they put me into a coma (not knowing if/when I would come out of it) so that my body could really focus on healing itself. When I awoke, I had to learn to walk, skip, run and many other basic things all over again.

9. I still accidentally swear in front of my child. I know it is terrible and I am making a big effort to correct it but it is hard. I do not want my child using those words so I cannot either. But when some guy cuts me off on the highway a string of expletives just falls out of my mouth!

10. I have trouble going into a store (Target, Wal-mart, etc.) and not buying a toy for Will. Even if it's something small, I just want him to have every cool thing I find. The problem is I do not have the money and I do not want a spoiled, bratty child! Another thing I need to curb... quickly!!

Loooong Streeeeetch!

I am currently on day six of nine straight days at work! I am barely functioning anymore! I have this weekend off and it is jam packed with fun! I am looking forward to going to kid's day at the Isanti County Fair on Friday with my mother-in-law, Jessie and her kiddos! It should be pretty fun. Then Saturday is our friend's wedding!

The bad news is that I return to work Monday and my boss will already be on her week long vaca. I am not a big fan of this because I will be running the $2 million store while she is away and I am already stressed. Not to mention this is the week we are projected to do about $70,000!! $@!*$

It is also the week of my husband's 25th birthday! I am pretty excited to give him his present. He will probably wet himself! Seriously, he may wet himself. I will have to take pics so I can post the reaction!

Wordless Wednesday

Working out is hard to do....

When I wrote that title I was thinking about that Neil Sedaka song "Breaking up is hard to do". But seriously, it really is. The worst part is the lack of instant results. I am so prone to seeing the results of my hard work immediately that I am disappointed when I still see the "spare tire" resting around my waist.

I started doing the Jillian Michael's 30 day shred and it is not a joke and not for those of you who do not want to push yourselves. She will kick your ass. At least I think it's hard but then again, I am out of shape! It's has three different intensity levels and at this point I cannot ever imagine making it to level three! It is a twenty minute long workout consisting of 3 cycles. 3 minutes of strength training, 2 minutes of cardio and 1 minute of abs. I know it sounds easy but it is not! It's circuit training which means you don't stop. You go for a solid twenty minutes (if you can). I did the workouts and Monday and Tuesday and then again today. I couldn't on Wednesday and Thursday because I was sick. Friday I was just lazy. But I got myself re-motivated today and was pleased to see that the workout was already a bit easier than the first time I did it. I almost made it the entire way through without taking a minute to catch my breath!

On top of that I am eating better. Cutting out processed foods and sticking to basic healthy choices. Also, I am slowly fazing out dairy. Starting with milk. I mean seriously, what other species do you know that A. drinks milk into adulthood and B. drinks the milk of another species?! It just doesn't make sense when you think about.

Hopefully, I can get my body toned again. That would be ideal.

I find myself thinking about my Mom a lot lately. Feeling guilty about not spending enough time with her when she was alive and other things. The intense feeling of sadness just creeps up unexpectedly. It's usually at the most random times. I just want to break down into sobs but I don't. I just try to think of something else or busy myself. I don't know what to do about it. People say time will make it better but I just don't know that is true. I feel like maybe I haven't grieved appropriately? If there is an appropriate way? Maybe I should get a book about loss. I just don't know who to talk to about it and to be honest I am a strangely private person, emotionally. I don't like to express my feelings to people even when the feelings are positive. So I don't think I even could talk to someone about it.

A Goodbye To A Dear Friend (written by Lynn Wiley. My Mom's best childhood friend.)

Friday, September 18, 2009 at 7:01pm

I have witnessed the final chapter in my dear friend, Louann's life unfold over the
past couple of months, and sorely need to vent my breaking heart. While our long
friendship, ended only by her youthful passing, has brought me to tears many times
these past few weeks, nothing has touched my heart more profoundly as the
devotion, self-sacrifice, steadfast love and total commitment to her that her
family's core essence embraced. Abundantly blessed (despite physical affliction),
she was the recipient of a love so deep and so wide that it held no boundaries.
An indescribable love, that could only be commanded by a virtuous human being.
In Jim, she found her soul mate, a spouse who embodied God's mandate to love
his wife, even as Christ loved the church. Through Louann's exemplary actions as
a Christian daughter, compassionately caring for her elderly mother, was laid the
foundational framework for the very reverence, admiration, commitment and love
we've seen her own daughters lavish upon her these past few weeks. It is almost
unfathomable for us to even imagine that she could ever possibly been loved
more. Mortal in our limitations, we could not be more wrong. Even in our knowing
that she is, indeed, loved more & happy beyond our comprehension, we are left
here, still holding unto this enormous mass of love we have for her, and not
knowing what to do with it. We are just not ready to give it to someone else, because
it is for Louann, and Louann alone. Over time, as we journey through the grieving
process, we will give it up though. albeit just a little bit at a time, and never all of
it, but always keeping just enough to fill that space in our hearts that will always
be reserved for Louann, and for Louann alone.

(My Dad's comment back)
I just saw the letter you posted to Lou. It was indeed a beautiful tribute to a beautiful lady. You could feel the passion that it was written with. For me, Lou's passing is bittersweet. My "Hero" is finally at peace. She taught me so much, especially after she was diagnosed with MS. She showed me what faith, hope and especially what love truly was. When we first met, we were attracted to each other physically and emotionally. Then, after we were married, our love grew and we became one. Later, after the MS became part of her life, our love changed. It, the MS, challenged our love. For me, there was this beautiful woman who years earlier said "for better or worse". I also remember saying those very same words. Lynn, I prayed to our Lord many times and asked that He would pass that MS to me instead. She suffered so much, yet through that suffering, she remained strong. I was truly amazed. It was only after years of CONSTANT pain and the inability to move,that she slowly was losing her will to fight. That was so hard for me to watch and be able to do nothing physically. Day by day, things kept getting worse. Then, she had trouble swallowing. When she would take a drink, there were times she would choke. She fought hard! She finally came to a moment in her life that she was no longer in control. Lynn, that moment was the hardest moment in my life. She turned to look at me, stared into my eyes and softly said" it's time for me to go home". I will never forget those words. It felt as if part of me was dying. She taught me what real love is. Our love was now complete. I learned to love her absolutely and completely. There is no room for any other. I gave her all. The Lord answered my pray on Sept. 17, 2009, at 7:10 and healed her as he called her home to be with Him. I will always love her. Jim

I knew this day would come. I wondered several times what it would be like and how I would feel. I don't know how I feel. I want to take comfort in the fact that she will be in heaven but some weird part of me is scared that it might not be true. I am also scared for her. What is it gonna feel like? What will it be like? A family friend wrote this to my sister: "I am so sorry to hear that Michelle for your sake and your families! I hope these days will be filled with peace, closeness and even joy that comes from God. I picture God, in heaven, eagerly waiting for your mom to come join him for a great walk and talk together. What a joy for her to be whole and well again. I will be praying for all of you! What a hard time for you."
I hope it's true.